A Bit of Rain Might As Well Be The End of The World

He debated going out to smoke. He knew his parents hated that he did it, but he couldn’t help it at this point. It was a terrible habit he picked up while away at school. His growing addiction didn’t seem to bother him, in fact, nothing really ever bothered Kai. Except maybe the weather, especially at this point in time. He shuttered while looking out the window. It was five PM and the sky was littered with fat, angry gray clouds spewing out buckets and buckets of rain. It hadn’t stopped raining for two weeks, and there had been a small tremor or two. Some people had begun to speculate that it might be the end of the world. Kai knew this was obviously bullshit, but there was something funny about it.

The town doomsday preacher had started a rant on the side of a main road in his town, talking about the coming of Jesus and the inevitable “big quake” that all Californians fear, somewhere in the back of their minds. He didn’t specify which of the two was coming first, Jesus or the earthquake that would wreck all of the Pacific Northwest and California, but either way it was clear that someone in the town believed that at this moment in time, the end of the world was near. And while Kai didn’t believe it (or at least, didn’t believe it entirely) he was pissed off that the end of the world had to happen during the summer of his gap year. He was back from Boston and was looking forward to a southern Californian summer- weirdos by the beach, warm ocean breeze, the yearly failed attempt at surfing. It was going to be glorious.

Instead it was the end of the world and he had to deal with his almost crippling nicotine addiction.

And there he was, standing beneath the backyard awning, feeling like a complete idiot. He wanted to think that it felt good being outside for the first time all day, but it was utterly miserable.

It was so dark out that the lights that turned on at night were on under the awning. The dull orange light flickered and buzzed above him, illuminating nothing but the glimmer of thick raindrops breaking on the garden tile. The fig tree in his family yard gathered the rain between its wide, flat leaves. While he couldn’t see much, he could see how delectably ripe the figs had gotten. His mother would be proud of her work. The wind picked up a bit, ending his smoke session and thrashing the fruit straight off the tree. He hated to see it, so much so that he was moved to walk out from under the safety of the awning and into the wet world.

As he reached beneath the fig tree to pick up the fallen fruit, something moved.

He was a bit ashamed of the manly scream he let out. The fig he had in his hand dropped back to the floor, probably going to whatever creature lurked beneath the tree.

He didn’t know why he didn’t bolt back inside. Perhaps it was the feeling of impending doom brought on by a particularly depressing sky, or maybe it was his odd state of mind that day. Kai decided to have a peek under the tree, regardless of whatever creature would eat him alive. The rain saturated his clothes, and as he knelt down to have a look he winced at his wet jeans folding at the back of his knees.

Curse this rain, he thought. Curse his curiosity for finally perking up during the biggest downpour of the week. They’re only getting worse, aren’t they? He pushed that thought away almost as quickly as it came. No need to think about that.

He pushed the fibrous fig leaves back, droplets of water cascading down on the dirt, only to reveal a pair of big, sad eyes.

“Who are you?”

Its white and black fur was matted and slicked against its little body. And its ears were much too big for its head. A dog- one with black paws and a taste for figs. Kai didn’t particularly like dogs himself, but reached his hand out to let the dog smell him, which it did, before going back to devouring the figs. The gray sky was beginning to darken into night, and with the wind picking up, Kai knew what he had to do.

Suddenly, the end of the world seemed slightly more interesting.

***

“Hey, wanna help me return this dog I found?”

“What? What dog?”

Kai had gone to Tom’s house after cleaning the dog up in his bathtub. There was his friend, huddled on his desk chair tirelessly typing away at his laptop whilst under a blanket, surrounded by an unnoticed solemn darkness that came shortly after the gray afternoon. Tom clearly didn’t believe that there was a random dog in his room, but once he took a moment to look away from his laptop screen, his eyes widened.

“Where the hell did that come from?”

“Well I was smoking in my backyard, as one does.”

“You gotta stop with that, man.”

“No I don’t. Anyway, it was raining, because you know, it’s the end of the world.”

“Sure.”

“At first I thought he was a large rodent.”

“A what now?”

“Like a rat. Anyway, that’s not important because turns out she isn’t a massive rat. Instead she’s just a boring old dog. And she was just sitting outside my back gate, by the fig tree.”

“Do dogs even like you? What’s her name?” He asked, leaning down to let the dog sniff him.

“Not particularly, no. I don’t know why she picked me but alas, here we are. Her name is Boots.”

“Boots. Okay, where does she live? Down your street?”

“Carmel.”

Tom jolted back in his seat. “Carmel?!”

“Yup. Says so on her collar.”

Carmel-by-the-sea, California. Another beach town, but up the coast. The Northern air makes it colder, the wind slightly sharper. It seemed almost perpetually small and gray, but visitors loved flocking to the salty shores of Carmel. It provided a sense of wonder and above anything else, comfort. Home to an array of beachside cottages littered across the town, but other than that, absolutely nothing, except the dog apparently.

Tom thought about his answer. His overwhelming sense of responsibility to stay home was smothering him. The logical side of him didn’t see a point in going all the way to Morro Bay for a dog, but his logical side also informed him that his mother would want him to go. She enjoyed him having fun more than he did.

“Okay, fine. This summer’s got me bored.” Tom made eye contact with the dog before closing his laptop. Cute bastard. She had nestled herself on his carpet.

Distraction free, Tom finally realized that he had been sitting in complete darkness. He walked towards his lamp to turn it on, the light stinging his eyes slightly. He sprawled out on his bed, stretching.

“You still working on those applications?”

“All day. Trying to find some more in case those don’t end up working out. I just thought I’d be hearing back from some of them by now.”

Kai admired his friend’s ability to get shit done. It was more than he had ever done.

“I don’t know about you, but I hate this gap year. I need to go back, and these scholarships will get me there. That is if they get back to me.”

Kai didn’t know how to feel about it yet. He knew that his circumstances were different from Tom’s. He mostly just felt lost, and part of him revealed in that feeling. It was nice to have a friend at least.

“I’m just bored, I think. How’s your mom doing?”

“She’s alright. It’s just been… heavy. I guess.” Kai knew it was polite to ask about his mother after the stroke, but he never got a direct answer from Tom. Of course it was “heavy.” How could it not be?

“Anyway, it’ll be good to get out of the house.”

***

The two sat by the train station, waiting to start the journey ahead of them. Boots sat at the base of Kai’s feet. It was annoying how well behaved she was, never barking or scratching. She never really wagged her tail, or ran about like other dogs. She just kind of sat and stared. Maybe she was depressed.

The day was oddly calm considering the weather they had been having. The wind hadn’t picked up yet and the sky was a lighter gray than usual. And the best thing- not a drop of rain. It seemed almost too good to be true. Kai looked to his friend, about to start light conversation before he was caught off guard by what Tom was looking at. A flock of birds heading somewhere far away.

“That’s concerning, don’t you think?” Tom said, not looking away from the birds.

Concern. How Kai loathed that word. He looked at the birds flying tirelessly into the gray sky, wishing he had a way to join them. He thought back to when he came home from Boston, seeing the concern on his mother’s face. How concerned everyone was about him. Then there was his father, who shared an emotion that stemmed from concern, but in Kai’s opinion, far worse.

“Don’t ever disappoint me like that again.”

He nodded, because he knew his father was right. I won’t. He thought that would be it. But then-

“Hey,” his father inched closer to him, trapping him in that dastardly disappointment. “I mean it.”

Kai thought that the whole thing would have blown over by now, but his relationship with his parents remained fragile ever since that moment. That moment that stayed in the back of his mind because having it in the front would be far too much. His mother just walked around with an air of general worry, but not debilitatingly so, thank God. The type of worry that manifests itself in a deep sigh from time to time, or perhaps the infamously wistful, “Oh, Kai, what to do with you?”

That moment that lurked in the not too far distance, festering instead of diminishing as it should be.

But that was a problem for a different Kai. A Kai maybe a month or two from now. Not today.

He glanced around the area, one that once used to be coated with sunshine in the summer, now dark and gray like an old English beach town. God, it looked unattractive. He felt like a fragile Victorian English child, sent away to a seaside without sunshine to recover from phenomena.

But, it was good to get out of the house. His parents only reminded him of his shame, and shame was something he didn’t like to dwell in.

“THE END IS NEAR, FOLKS! THE END IS NEAR!”

On second thought, maybe being stuck inside was better.

Tom groaned. “Not this guy again.”

“It’s your fault for wanting to be early to everything.”

“It’s better than missing the train.”

Their local Jesus doomsday man was portly and bearded. His luscious ginger hair cascaded past his shoulder, looking surprisingly well conditioned. His doomsday speeches and Jesus themed talks were ingrained into the town. Almost everyone knew of him, not necessarily by choice. He wasn’t always as vocal, though. The storms had him riled up, and while it seemed that no one really listened to his rantings, these days you could see passersby slow down as they walked by him, contemplating. Perhaps, they thought. Perhaps he might be onto something.

The constant reminder of the end filled Kai’s chest with worry. It was a bit much sometimes. “Okay, I know he’s been here for a while but was he always so freakishly depressing?”

“He used to be more Jesus-y. At least I could ignore him then, but how could I possibly ignore the impending doom he keeps going on about?”

Kai remembered passing by the small convenience store downstairs before they headed towards their platform. Anything was better than this.

“Snacks for the road?”

Boots perked up at the word snacks. Kai glanced down at her, her giant eyes looking up at him. Those giant eyes attached to those giant ears. He supposed he should get something for her, seeing as she’s been surviving off of ham for the past day.

He stared back at her as if to say, why me? This feeling of needing to take care of something was completely foreign to Kai. He hated that she looked to him for food, not Tom or anybody else. Just him.

Another thing that seemed a bit too much.

The background mumblings about “the beginning of the end” and “Armageddon” faded as the pair entered the store across the street. But something didn’t seem right.

“Holy shit.”

The shelves were barren, specifically the ones having to do with canned goods and oddly enough, toilet paper. It seemed like the words of the old doomsday preacher were working. Everyone was preparing for this great unknown thing.

The dog treats and pack of gummy worms they were looking for were long forgotten.

Cigarettes.

It was worth a try, at least. He was underage, but he was able to get them most of the time. He always looked older, and some store owners didn’t care if children smoked. And he certainly wasn’t a child.

“You could have brought your dog inside, you know,” the store clerk said while mindlessly scanning the items.

“But the sign said-” Tom began to reason.

“No one really cares anymore,” he looked at Kai, who was taking a long stare at the cigarettes behind the counter.

“We only have Newports right now.”

A cigarette shortage too.

“I’ll take those.”

Tom looked at the box of cigarettes as they slid down the counter towards Kai in disappointment. He informed his friend that he’d wait outside with Boots. He didn’t understand this new obsession- well, addiction, he supposed. That can’t be good. He untied Boots’ leash from the pole outside of the shop, thinking about how long he’s been friends with Kai.

10 years. He’s never known Kai to smoke a cigarette, much less a pack. He worried for his friend, but only the right amount.

“How many of those do you go through in a day? In the pack, I mean,” Tom asked as Kai left the store.

“I’m not sure. Who’s counting?” He replied with a sly smile, taking the leash from Tom and walking ahead of him.

Tom rolled his eyes at that comment. So reckless. That was something he recognized in his friend since childhood. Always scaling slides upwards and violently throwing himself off swings at the park. Sneaking out of the house to parties before Tom had even thought of the concept. He made a mental note to count the cigarettes burned throughout their journey. Shouldn’t be much, there was no smoking on the train.

The train would arrive any minute now. They stood by the stop, where they were before and waited. Kai lit up a cigarette. One for the road. In the background, the voice of the doomsday prepper droned on and on, with a few people scattered around him, listening but barely.

“It’s not even raining.” Tom thought that he’d try something. Kai nudged him. Don’t provoke him.

The man looked over at him, and began to walk over. Shit.

“What’d you say, boy?”

“I said that it’s not raining. That’s an improvement from the past two weeks. Maybe things are getting better,” Tom said, trying to hold his ground. The man made a series of blubbering noises, communicating some form of disagreement. Then he quieted down.

“Don’t let it fool ya. It’ll break soon.”

“How do you know that?”

In response, the man let out quite the cackle, holding onto his belly for support. There was something so perfect about seeing a maniac in action. So confident, Tom wondered what that was like. And with that, the train pulled up. Kai picked up Boots and his bags, preparing to enter. The man sat down on the train stop bench, hands between his knees, hair falling down his face.

“Pack your bags and head underground, boys. Nothing will ever be the same.”

Kai didn’t like the sound of that. Tom scoffed and walked towards the train, bag in hand, gesturing for his friend to follow. But Kai was distracted by this man, similar to the rest of the town. Maybe he wasn’t insane after all. Maybe it really was the end.

“Remember that,” he breathed, sitting in the same position, rubbing calloused thumbs against each other. Kai stomped his cigarette out on the damp pavement beneath him and backed away towards the train, taking a seat right before it drove off.

“Thought you were going to miss it for a second. Did he say anything interesting?” Tom asked.

“No, not really,” Kai responded, setting Boots down on the floor by his seat. She immediately jumped up next to him. Kai smiled slightly, giving her a bit of a pet.

Nothing will ever be the same.

***

Kai didn’t quite know why the open fields the train bolted past made him want to scream. It was the same on road trips. Between how fast the train was going and an uncomfortable feeling of emptiness that had settled in him since the train had left the station, Kai ached for another cigarette. Perhaps it was a good thing that he was confined.

It started to rain again.

***

“That’s your fifth one.”

The train had come to a stop about two hours ago, stopping at a random station somewhere in the middle. The storm had picked up and had gotten so bad that they couldn’t keep going. Wretched storm. Kai was smoking through his pack of cigarettes as Tom cursed the lack of internet. His applications would have to wait. They could never really tell if Boots was content or not.

“Have you actually been counting?”

“Yeah.”

“That bored, huh?”

“Well, I can’t work and there’s nothing better to do. And with all the smoke I’ve inhaled from you I might be addicted to smoking now too.”

“I’m not addicted, Tom.”

“Sure.”

Kai stared at his friend. “No, trust me, I believe you,” Tom added. Bastard.

They sat in silence for a bit. It was hard to figure out things to say to each other. Kai thought this small trip would have added something to his life, but as of right now it’s just been a failure. He was about to reach for a sixth, but he stopped himself. They were standing by a railing, looking out onto the train tracks ahead of them. Tom’s fingers tapped against the railing erratically, chin in hand, fingertips by mouth. It was hard to tell if Tom was pensive or not, seeing as pensive was his natural disposition. It didn’t seem completely right, though.

“Worried about the scholarships?”

Tom turned to look at his friend, fingers stilled. “I think I’ve been working on them for a while since I have nothing to do, it feels wrong.”

Kai placed a hand on his friend's shoulder, preparing himself to give life changing advice: “Just relax, dude.”

Tom chuckled and moved himself from under Kai’s reach. “And just like that, my worries are gone.”

They stared out at the rain. Boots poked her nose between the railing, letting a few spare rain droplets hit her nose.

“No, I’ve never been very good at relaxing. Doing nothing scares me. That’s why this gap year has been difficult. I feel like I’m meant to be doing something all the time.”

“You didn’t have to leave school, though. You could have gotten loans and stayed.”

Tom knew this. Of course he did. “I know but… I couldn’t do that. Not after the stroke.”

“But you clearly want to go back to school. Why don’t you?” Kai pried.

“Because, Kai, it’s not right. My mom can’t do what she used to, and I can’t leave her now. Not yet. I’m not going back without a scholarship.”

“I think you should do what you want.”

“I don’t know how you can think like that.”

Tom looked out at the rain, trying to balance his breathing. It was hard to think about these things, and he tended to just deal with it. Help out as much as he could, find a scholarship, and do it all again. Having a moment like this where there was nothing to do but sit with the thoughts and feelings that he constantly tried to push back was his worst nightmare. He needed a distraction.

“What’s keeping you from going back?” He asked Kai. “Are you still trying to figure out what to study?”

Not this.

“A bit, yeah.” He reached for another cigarette, this time not stopping himself.

“That’s six now.”

“Okay, why are you on my case about this? Don’t you have enough to worry about?”

“It’s just slightly concerning. It makes it seem like something is wrong.”

Wind between the trees, cutting cheeks and biting noses. If only lightning would strike and everything would just end.

“Is there?” Tom asked.

Sometimes it's easy to hate someone who knows you so well. Kai stewed for a bit, blowing smoke out of his lungs and into the rain enveloped world. He desperately wanted to avoid the subject, but if Tom was good at anything, it was putting people on the spot, especially him. There it was, this thing that continued to fester in him, so close that it couldn’t be avoided.

“My gap year isn’t entirely by choice.”

“What do you mean?”

Kai figured he might as well say it. “I got expelled.”

The silence was painful. It felt like having to face his parents all over again.

“Please say something-”

“What did you do?”

Kai struggled to come up with an answer. “I think I liked being drunk more than I liked being sober. I didn’t go to classes for half the semester, so I wasn’t worth the university’s time. I don’t really remember last semester if I’m being honest.” He was afraid to look at Tom at that moment. “So now I smoke,” he said with a slight smile, dropping the cigarette to the floor, burning it out.

“Are you okay?”

That wasn’t what he was expecting. “Yeah, I’m fine now. Well, now I’m addicted to nicotine, but I’m not as unhinged on that.”

“Just the normal amount of unhinged?” Kai chuckled at that. It was nice not to feel immediate disappointment.

“Exactly.”

***

The train continued on after the storm subsided, leaving them wandering the town in the direction of the address printed on Boots’ collar. Distracted by the sights of the quiet town, they were surprised when they heard an excited bark.

It was the first time the two of them had heard Boots make a sound.

Boots pulled the leash she was attached to as hard as she could, and it took Kai off guard. He let go of the leash, calling her name as she ran past a grassy sand dune, the ones that litter the Carmel area, on the outskirts of the town.

Her paws kicked back sand as she ran towards a blue wooden house in the distance, clawing at the door and barking like mad.

The two of them ran after her. It felt good to run, oceanside moisture lapping at their faces.

Pebbled sand entered their shoes and salty wind ran through their hair as they made their way to the house that Boots was barking against. They made it over the small hill and were greeted by a bushel of hair that matched the current sky. Light freckles dotted over wrinkled skin crinkled as a smile formed. Long, gentle hands made their way down to Boots and ran their way through her fur.

“Come in!”

***

Rosetta lived alone in Carmel, California. She was 73 years old and hadn’t cut her hair in six years. She often left the back door of her home open to let in a peaceful oceanside breeze, but as the wind picked up over that curious summer, sand found its way into her kitchen, and Boots found her way out.

How she made it all the way to Southern California was a mystery, but Rosetta loved hearing about how the two brought Boots back home.

“I’m surprised you two haven’t heard her terrible yapping. She loves yapping at me, and I never know what the hell she’s trying to say.”

Turns out Boots wasn’t depressed, she was just lost.

“She was exceptionally well behaved. I did only feed her ham though, so she might need some actual food by now.”

Kai looked around the little house. Everything was so gentle. Seashells hung delicately from the edge of the back door, a collection of mugs by the sink. A wash of gray whiteness flooded the room. The house seemed to be in a perpetual state of four in the afternoon. He couldn't picture it any other way.

“Thank you so much for bringing her all this way. We’re both old, and I thought that it might have been the last time I was going to see her. But she’s been on quite the adventure, hasn’t she?”

“Do you like it here? In Carmel? I think I’ve passed by it a few times,” Tom said, tea mug in hand. He was fiddling with the handle.

Rosetta had her chin in her hand, wild hair cascading down her shoulders. She had a way of thinking far too much before speaking. “I think I like it because I’m old. I wouldn't have liked it when I was younger. Everything’s slow here, but that’s just the right pace for me right now.”

Tom’s leg bobbed up and down under the kitchen table they were all seated at.

“Are you anxious about something, hon?”

“Oh, no, I-”

“He’s working on a bunch of scholarships and it’s stressing him out,” Kai revealed, taking a sip from his mug.

“Oh, are both of you going to go to college in the fall?”

The pair looked at each other for a second. “We’re both on a gap year. We’re 19.”

“19!!”

She looked down at her kitchen table, smiling to herself as if remembering. It was perplexing to meet someone so young.

“Don’t you worry so much. You have time, be thankful for that.”

Tom always found it hard to justify that statement whenever it was said to him. “I know. Sometimes, I just feel like I need to do so much but it’ll never be enough and I’ll never have enough time. You know?”

Kai smirked into his hand. Talk about heavy. He always liked when Tom finally revealed some sort of emotion (happened at most once a year, if that). It was rare, but special.

Tom didn’t really know why he said it, but something about Rosetta made him want to hear what she had to say.

“You ever been on a really fast train before? The ones that feel like they’re never going to stop?”

The two of them looked at her, thinking about the train they had just been on.

“I think that when you’re young, the world has a bad habit of going too fast. Sometimes it could feel like you’re losing everything. Sometimes you could feel like it’s all passing you by.”

After a while of being on the train it becomes apparent that everything is fleeting. That thought makes you want to scream and cry and get lost. It’s all so fast that it’s hard to define what matters and what doesn’t. You’ll realize that some people care more about wasted time than others, and some don’t even know when to begin. In those moments-

“Get off the train. Once you do, you can finally breathe.”

Tom’s fingers stilled and his fast heartbeat settled. Breathe. He forgot to do that sometimes.

“In other words, relax dude,” Kai added, glancing his way. Tom couldn’t help but laugh.

By the time they got up to leave, the sky was starting to darken. A hint of orange lulled on in the distance and it felt so foreign. The sun, behind layers of clouds, lay low in the sky. Rosetta leaned against the front entrance, Boots behind her. She placed lemon poppyseed cookies in their hands and then gave them warm hugs. She sent them off with a ‘be safe’ and before Kai could follow Tom she added-

“Keep being good.”

It felt like a lie. “I’m not good,” Kai said. “Far from it.”

“That’s not true. Look at what you did. There’s a reason she ended up in your backyard. She knows good when she smells it.”

For a second that terrible feeling of disappointment started to fade, but Kai couldn’t let that happen. He needed it.

“You’re good. Trust me.”

And then it was gone, all at once. Kai couldn't help but give her one last hug. He followed Tom down the road, and caught a final glimpse of Boots before he left her forever.

Boots tilted her head upwards, fixated on something. They both looked up at the sky. A lone bird, flying home.

***

“Wasn’t quite the end of the world, was it?”

The journey back brought with it the sun, still tangled behind gray clouds. But it was more than they had hoped for. Why jinx it? Hopping off the station, Kai and Tom caught a glimpse of the doomsday man, although this time he wasn’t doing his usual shouting. He was seated on a bench, looking out at it all.

“Nothing will ever be the same, boy.”

Tom laughed, remembering the man’s answer from when they last saw each other, and began walking off. He was far too relaxed to feel anxious about the end of anything. Kai looked toward the ocean, thinking maybe this would be the year he finally mastered surfing.

That strange month of rain was remembered often and it was generally agreed that to a Californian, a month of rain would feel like the end of the world.